Boys....What to Do?

​Over the past 25 years, I have noticed some trends in homeschooling that have become a bit unsettling. One of those trends has been a move to provide more ‘relaxed’ homeschooling or unschooling for boys because we see them as different learners and in some ways, handicapped from their girl counterparts. Many parents are pulling their boys out of public school classrooms so that they can spend their days exploring and not being restricted by a classroom.

However, as a veteran homeschooling mom, one of the benefits of being ‘old’ is that I have the advantage to have seen some of these experiments ‘play out’ over the last 20 years. Here are some of my thoughts.

First, I do realize that boys and girls learn differently. I also believe there are some things that we can do to help them learn. However, the college classroom (down the road) is NOT going to give much sympathy to boys if they have a different learning style. And, in this age of treating boys and girls equally, why would we give a more ‘relaxed’ education to our boys and not our girls? Shouldn’t girls and boys receive the same sort of education?

Secondly, let me say that I have had two VERY different boys and have experienced two VERY different learning styles. One of my sons was very academic and enjoyed book learning. However, the other son did NOT like the classroom or books at all. But I taught both of them in the SAME way. And today, the son that did not like learning, writing, reading, math or anything associated with education, is now sailing through college classes and has a work ethic that is ‘over the top.’ He also enjoys reading and admits that sometimes the push was too hard, but is glad that I didn’t stop pushing.

As I mentioned above, I began homeschooling over 20 years ago. I was part of several homeschool groups and have not only seen my own children grow up and move onto college and grad school, but have watched other friends’ children grow up and graduate. In my own experience and in my observations of friends’ homeschooling situations, I have to say that boys that were made to learn in a traditional way (at a desk, with homework, reading difficult books and textbooks) have BY FAR been more successful in their college educations and in their careers. Just a few examples:

• Our sons did a traditional curriculum early on and then worked through a classical curriculum. One son was diagnosed with dyslexia, requiring much of the reading to be done out loud in his early years. There were many times that he expressed the desire to not sit still and read, but we pushed on. There were also times that he seemed defeated and frustrated. But, we tried different methods, teaching and re-teaching. It required an EXTREME amount of work as the homeschool educator, but it was worth it. Both sons have now maintained 3.8-4.0 GPA’s in college and expressed that college learning was manageable with a much easier reading load because they knew how to read and decipher books and text books.
• Because of our schedule of homeschooling (out of bed and to work early, following a schedule that required academics, music practice, chores etc. done in the day hours and extra-curricular activities in the evening), they now have become reliable, contributors in their work places, knowing how to manage work and leisure.
• One family that we know homeschooled their boys and girls along-side each other around the kitchen table, using rigorous and challenging materials. Their girls and boys learned difficult, AP math, science and also mastered various musical instruments, played soccer and ALL moved on to Ivy League education and post graduate work. They had three girls and three boys and the same expectations crossed gender lines.
• Several other families in our early homeschool circles began with structured, ‘classroom’ style homeschooling then moved into a private school situation for middle and high school. All their boys succeeded greatly in both homeschool and the private school situations and ALL of them have moved on to four year schools or trade schools.
• On the flip side, I had a couple friends who decided to do a more ‘child-focused’ type learning because their boys were resisting the normal ‘classroom’ education. One of these families has a son that didn’t complete high school and is now struggling in life, looking for purpose and is afraid of college for fear that he will fail. He does enjoy the nomadic lifestyle, and has enjoyed political ‘sit-ins’ and ‘marches’ on various state capitols. While these things aren’t necessarily bad, 23 and no job is not good.
• Another family, after feeling fairly burned out from homeschooling so many children over the years, allowed their boys to ‘graduate’ early in 10th grade. These boys have been in and out of community college and one has had three jobs in four years.
• Finally, a good friend allowed her son to do various things in high school. They did one year of private school, two years of very relaxed homeschooling and then a year of community college that proved to be a disaster, with few passing grades. After several moves from city to city, this young man is living with a family member and singing in coffee shops.

 
It has been a pretty cut and dry experiment. For those boys who were pushed and MADE to sit and learn for a period of time each day, they have been quite successful in college and beyond. BUT, for those who allowed more child-directed learning or unschooling, there seems to be quite a bit of floundering and searching well into their twenties.

I have come to realize that we are not just homeschooling boys. We are homeschooling future men and I challenge you to consider what this means:

• These future men will be leading their families. We want to raise men who will get up each morning, go to school or class and eventually go to a job….even when they don’t feel like it or would rather climb trees. Child-directed learning or unschooling teaches us to have fun and do what we want….even explore what we want. But, in the end, will these future men know what it means to work and support a wife and children?
• These future men will be the leaders in our church. Do they know how to be committed to a church for the long-term, to lead the church and to problem solve. The church will only become more challenged as we deal with greater ‘gender’ issues, homosexuality, abortion and other issues that require strong men and women on the front lines.
• In our culture that has become very ‘gray’ in its thinking, will we have men who can THINK? Thinking logically, writing well and speaking well will be CRUCIAL as we seek to work through the muck in our world. There is so much relative thinking and our men and women of the future need to know how to think. And while I am very clearly a woman, and realize that women can lead well, we need STRONG men on the front lines and NOT just women, especially those women who are leading the feminism movements.

So, when it comes to our boys and educating them, let me just share some final thoughts:

1. Boys will prefer balls, tree-climbing, anything outdoors, tractors and trucks. That is all fine and good, but we must push them to become thinkers and problem solvers. The pushing will be painful and will cause sensitive moms to lose heart. Toughen up moms! Boys need to learn to ‘man up.’ Boys can’t be coddled into learning…Be firm and tough. My son often said that he preferred a basketball coach who REALLY motivated them through strongly spoken words.
2. There CAN be a balance. Being pushed to learn is not bad. Trust me when I say they will complain, tell you that they hate it, that they can’t do the work, tell you that it is too hard. If you DO NOT hear these things (especially in middle school), then you have a unique son. So when they tell you these things, consider teaching them in a different way or change up the scenery. Go outside, give them breaks, find things they are passionate about.
3. Build things. Find mind-challenging activities for them to do between subjects. Perhaps you get a monthly science kit for them to build or you have a healthy supply of Legos around. Find carpentry classes or let them go with a few non-lethal tools to see what they come up with. They do need to develop a creative side. These things can be incorporated into the homeschooling day.
4. Put them in classroom activities where they can learn in groups, and have some healthy ‘boy competition.’ Have boys and girls compete in a Jeopardy game or have teams problem solve or build something.
5. Boys will ALWAYS complain about writing. They are often NOT as ready to write as girls, so moms may have to allow their boys to dictate in the early years or to do simpler writing projects. But, by 5th or 6th grade, boys need to be doing more writing on their own. I have never met a boy who liked to write, but they must learn. Girls are the more natural communicators and pick up this skill much more quickly than boys. However, if you want your boys to be able to stand up to and compete with their girls counterparts in the future, make sure they are good writers AND communicators.
6. Make sure that your boys get some ‘dad time’ or ‘man time’ with other influential men. They do need to learn how to be men and from about 10 years on, they need to be building relationships with dad. A homeschooling mom is a wonderful creature, but our boys need time with men. They need to go out and shoot guns (in the wild, please!), hunt, farm, play sports and all those wonderful man things. So make sure that they aren’t mama’s boys for too long.

 
I am likely to take some slack for my staunch position on this. But I have watched women take over the world, demean men and try to turn boys and men into sniveling, cowardly creatures. This is not what God intended. He intended men to lead the family and the church, but women are often at the helm in many of our churches, homes, business and schools. Don’t get me wrong…I believe women can and should do just about everything that men do. But as I mentioned before, God had a different intention in the garden…He placed Adam over Eve in the general operation of things. And, when Eve was being tempted by the enemy, Adam was distracted…off doing something else or just hanging in the background. Whatever he was doing, he greatly failed his mate and we know that sin made an entrance into the world.
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How will your men advance the kingdom? Will they follow or will they lead? Let’s work together to make sure that our boys are growing into men that will lead us well! Don’t be afraid to push them out of the tree or to pull the video game remote out of their hands so that they are forced to learn about this world that God created and how they can make it better for their own children.